who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
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Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.