who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
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Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
#Caturday
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My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
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My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.