Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
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How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Livid.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?