I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
![]()
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
![]()
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”