I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
You Might Also Like
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
For anyone who needs this today
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….