*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
You Might Also Like
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex