Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
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Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.