[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
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Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
This has made my week.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Good dog. ❤️
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Grandmother clock.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up