Grandmother clock.
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[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Midwest trash talk
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business