If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
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Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I cannot call her anything else now
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes