Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
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Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Everyone’s family
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Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL