Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
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Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Them: Just act casual
Me:
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”