Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
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Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
why neck hurt
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.