I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
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Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018