I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
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For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
new career option?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.