I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
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I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.