If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
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Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!