It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
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scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)