It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
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[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m: [sweating profusely]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.
(Me to my fridge)
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
british sex workers really pound for pound
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”