This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
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AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬