A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?