I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
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You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Put the is in disheveled
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
My dog learned how to text