When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
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A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Sharon, call the vet
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
asked my bf how work was today
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Worth remembering.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.