When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
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The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.