[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
You Might Also Like
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I was bored.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/