just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
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My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.