just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
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You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
prepare for carbonated trouble
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.