I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
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A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My plans: 2020:
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!