@curlycomedy

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

@mattewe02

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

@

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@geowizzacist

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

@notmythirdrodeo

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

@neiltyson

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

@FinallyHeSleeps

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

@Ojasism

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

@OrangeFact

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.