I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.


if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies


My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.


To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.


I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.


A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”


My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”


If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.


*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself


If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.