I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
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Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
So, I got banned from the toy store today…