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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!