Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
You Might Also Like
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I already tried new things thanks.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Breakfast for Stoners:
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Can. I. Help. You.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂