I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
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Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.