your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
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ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”