Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
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While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man