First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
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Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …