@WilliamAder

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

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@AmberTozer

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

@sarah_edo

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

@flashember

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

@TweetPotato314

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

@chuuew

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

@mommajessiec

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

@Piecezilla

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

@E_lok44

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.