Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
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Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
When he asks for feet pics
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Reporter: *ports again*
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing