FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
wishing you and yours all the best
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.