Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
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Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.