I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
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a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.