(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
You Might Also Like
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140