gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
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Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
He wanted to make sure😂
You better watch out
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww