Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
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I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.