Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
vegan witches, happy halloween!
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.