Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
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Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
*jazz hands*