Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
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Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.