My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
You Might Also Like
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up