sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
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[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I need to get some bricks…
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Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
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*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
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My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.