sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
You Might Also Like
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10