When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.