When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE