What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
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“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
The legends speak of a third Duran…
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.