What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
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Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
6: are snakes just neck?
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb