Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
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Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.