If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
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Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?