If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
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The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .