I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
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If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
This is I, Robot all over again
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Are we there yet?…
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.