@MatCro

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

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@TheWidowmakerX

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

@rachelle_mandik

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

@roxiqt

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

@Reverend_Scott

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

@dubiousgenius

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

@Matt_The_1st

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

@Boourns83

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

@conanobrienswyf

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.