very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
You Might Also Like
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know