The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
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Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
the greatest twitter interaction
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I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.