The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
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Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Poetry is my passion
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Taking phone security to the next level.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco