The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
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The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
The future is now.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*
Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
How about now?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.