The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
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PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
This forever.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts